~{Angel-Tears86}~

This is So DAMN Ridiculous!!!!

2008-08-26T20:09:00.000-07:00

Time to move on.

It is just so damn ridiculous. That bugger had no idea of what I had told Razlan. How dare he say that I had not handle my job properly and started screaming and shouting at me! Is this how a boss should be? No control over his emotions!?

Guess my friend is right in saying that Mr. Dean had no professionalism or whatsoever. True, by screaming and shouting, one might get things done, but I am definately not going down that road.

Any offers of a job, anybody?

16th May 2008 Friday

2008-05-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I am really tired of life.

Today, I am super pissed off. What seems to be is not what it is. Oh Well, learn live and forget it.

Musings..

2007-08-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

Whatever.. Just cant be bothered no longer.

I'm not the simple, naive girl of the past anymore..

Tell me something, I won't be so trusting any longer.. Proof and edvidence speaks more than honey words.

Talk is cheap, show me some actions. Words are free, anybody can just say it, but converting words to actions is tough. Not everyone is able to do it.

Some things (smoking) I had been saying I am quitting, but doing it is tough. Cigarettes had been my fren when everyone else left me. It's tough to want to give up this friend at the moment.

Sigh~ why must everything be so complicated when it's really very simple? Feel like just lying down and sleeping my life away - no worries at all..

Oh well, whatever!

And..

to those who wants to borrow money from me, sorry but i will no longer be lending any cash to anyone anymore.

Money lent out had never come back to me. Once bitten, twice shy.. conned of $2000+ by so-called friends over the past 2 years. Who else is there in the world to trust?

This goes to show we can only trust ourselves and no one else but ourselves.

Friends can walk away, lovers can become enemies, families can turn against one another.. It's a scary place that we are living in.

Materialism, I just don't understand why is everyone chasing after material things? Even when one may seem to have everything they want, they may not neccessarily be happy. Rather, the happiest people on Earth seemed to be the poorest people on Earth who don't hunger after power or material stuff.

I am born into the wrong era and the wrong country! Aargghh!!!

Sigh~

2007-08-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

Money problems.. Haha.. Stupid Fadhil has not been found as yet.. He owed me $700+..

Easy Italian Chicken Recipe

2007-08-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

INGREDIENTS
8 chicken legs, halved
4 cloves garlic
1 tablespoon crushed red pepper flakes
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
salt to taste
1/2 cup water

DIRECTIONS
In a large skillet, brown the chicken pieces in oil and cook for about 15 minutes over medium heat.
Crush garlic cloves and squeeze over chicken. Cover skillet and cook over low heat for 10 minutes each side. Remove cover, sprinkle with red pepper flakes and salt to taste, add water and simmer over low heat until water evaporates and the chicken pieces are sticky and yummy!

On The Right Track! =)

2007-08-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Thanks for all your concern and care shone upon me during the bleak moments of my life. Your little words of encouragement cheered me up on days when I am down and feeling alone. Thanks especially to the two guys - Alex and Billy who had taken time to keep me company when I really need company. I am blessed. Thanks to all of you that my life is finally back on the right track. =)

An amazing thing happened (credit goes to Billy)! I actually discovered a really old blog of mine which was created in 2004 (wan2bet.blogspot.com). Rereading those old entries of mine made me feel sad as it really seemed that the past Angelia is really gone. The impression I got from that writer was that she was naive, innocent, and is really a happy go lucky sort of person. However, reading my recent blog entries had made me realised that I had really became a bitter person full of hatred and pessimistic thinking. What do you guys think?

Anyway, things really seemed to be looking up for me soon after my birthday. (Thanks guys for celebrating my 21st even though I was in no mood for celebration, and thanks to those who wished me well on this special day ^o^). Why is that so? Well.. in regards to a few matters: finance, relationship, personal level, family, work.

Finance
I was desperately in need for cash ever since April and I was also in the red, borrowing from lots of people. However, at this point of time, my finances seemed to be looking up. Hooray!!! For the first time ever in 2007, my phone bill is fully paid for, I have a supply of contact lens all the way to December, my transport fees is paid for all the way to October, my groceries had been done for this month (August), and all my debts had been repaid. This made me happy as I no longer need to frown over money anymore. (I even have surplus cash to go on a holiday in Sept!!)

Relationship
In relationship wise, finally I had gotten the guy that I had always yearn for. Though he is in Malaysia now and will still be there in the future, I am prepared to join him when I get everything settled over here in Singapore. He being very good to me, and I feel so pampered and respected. The distance does not seem to pose any problems, and hopefully it will still continue on to be this way in the near future.

Personal
For me, looking back, the journey had been long. I had changed a lot since I was 18. I hoped to go back to the sweet, old me that I had been when I was 18, but I know that, that is no longer possible. Too much had happened in my life during this past 3 years. What is possible though is that I hoped to get back the good qualities that I used to have - the basis would be the responsible old me, something which had long been gone. Used to be a workacholic, I am not sure when or why I had become to someone who no longer cared. The memories of my past are vague, and most of my past, I can no longer recall. But, I do have some goals which I hoped to achieve now and the most urgent ones would be to quit smoking, to think positive once again, and well, to be responsible in whatever I do. Hopefully, I will be able to achieve all of these by December =)

Family
Relations with my mum and my brother is slowly improving. No longer defiant anymore, our relations had really improved a lot. My brother and I are finally back on talking terms, and my mum had become more of a friend than an enemy. I am happy with this turnabout, and hopefully things will just get better.

Work
I had known for a very long time that I am just not cut out for tuition. It's not that I cannot teach or whatsoever, but rather, when I am teaching, I get so bored during the 1 1/2hrs I am over at my student's house. The money is good, yes. But then once again, so what? It's definately not my cup of tea. I miss the times I had over in Mos Burger, the friendships that were formed, the good memories. The happiness, the short moments of anger and the chilling out sessions after closing time. That is more in my charactor. I love the hectiness of the peak hours, the interactions with my collegues and customers, and of course, the regularity of hours and the on-time salary. I just don't get that doing tuition. Parents have feedback to me that their kids just love me, and their results improve quite dramatically once I have tutored them, but then I don't really get the satisfaction in all that. Sigh~ to be able to excel in a job which I don't like, when others just can't excel in the job they love. How lame is that!? Lol.

So, with the turning of my age, the transition from a teenager to a full fledged adult, things are finally looking up for me, and I predict more positive things to come my way.

Addidos!

With love,
Angelia

Type of Cuteness

2007-08-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

I'm Hyper-Cute!! made by Jen

Him..

2007-07-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

Everything was so sweet when he just came back from Perak on Monday.. He talked to me, hugged me and was generally nice to me till Thursday when that girl called. Sigh~ Why must things always turn out to be like this?

He told me that if I quit smoking, I would get one person's love and that is his.. From that day onwards to Wednesday, everything was sweet. I get the feeling of being loved and all that. And I thought that I finally got him after a 3 years long wait. But, alas, it wasn't meant to be..

The phone call came and he turned cold towards me again. Did he meant to give me hope and crush it again? I no longer know.

29th July is slowly approaching and when that day arrives, I will have lost him forever. He's going back to Malaysia for good, and by that time, we will be leading our own lives. I am afraid of that day. It's like I am losing my soulmate.

For whatever that had happened these past few months, for whatever faults that he might have, he's still a soulmate to me. Someone who I can share my thoughts with, someone who I feel so comfortable with and someone who is just there for me whenever I am down.

Even if he ain't my boyfriend, the feeling is still that I am losing someone who is so dear and special to me. I really do not know what will happen on that day. Will I start to lose myself again after finding the right path?

What we have is a love-hate relationship. Sometimes, I really hate him to the core, sometimes I love him so much that I can't imagine my life without him, and just sometimes I really do need him. Will I ever find a guy like him again in my life?

People just walk in and out of our lives like that. Nothing is definite, nothing is forever. I just wish to hold on to the memories that I have forever.. That's the only thing that will keep me going..

- Loneliness for 5 months already.. Where is my that special someone? -

... Whatever ...

2007-07-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

Everything's going well at the moment.. But once one goes well, another fails. Finance not going well, friends no longer contacting me, my handphone suspended. what else could happen? I wonder..

Sometimes, I really wonder why is it that heaven wants to make such a sport of me.. Making fun of me as it is..? I have no idea.. Sigh~

Is it because of my past smooth sailing years that I had to pay the price of it this year? Why is it so? Now, I have to suffer.

Oh well, whatever. No longer do I care any longer..

- Lonelines etches itself in my heart
- Longing for the day whereby it will be set free
- What can make me happy?
- Money, friends, love?
- What..

- Oh whatever! -

Resigned to Fate..

2007-06-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

Somethings are just not meant to be and will never be.. That is something which I would have to accept.. Lots of missed opportunities and somehow or rather we can never be together.. Perhapes we are just fated to be friends.. And that's the way it would be in the future.. he's no longer going to be in Singapore any longer..

Sigh~

...

2007-06-22T11:37:00.001-07:00

In what way am I inferior to that girl? Why is it that I keep losing out to her? 3 years ago, he chose her over me. Now, it's the same over again. This is just about destroying my self esteem.. What used to be high now is at such a low end. I just do not know what to do anymore.

I like him a lot, yes. But is it worth it? Afterall, it seems to me that I am nothing in his heart nor eyes. Or is it just that I am inferior to that girl? Read her diary that was written to him just yesterday. Their relationship was so sweet and strong, and from there, it is clear that he loves her a lot. But, in my case, it seemed that I am nothing but just a spare tyre to pass his time before his work permit is up.

Sometimes, I really wonder why would I want to put myself through this emotional roller coaster? The unknown. Cheated before once by him should have given me ample warning that it might happened again. No doubt, he was very sweet to me on Sunday, but the days after that he wasn't again. So what's this?

It's leaving me so confused every single day. When I asked him if I had him already,he says he gets disgusted by this type of questions. But in the case of the other girl, it's not that way. He will reassure her, change for her, ask for her forgiveness, and even wanted to force her to marry him even though she was very young at that point of time.

As for me, he leaves no promises. Fair enough. But what about now? We are together but it seems like we are not. So, do I have a boyfriend or not? What am I to him? He had really changed me to become a person with no confidence in myself any longer. And this behavior really makes me question myself: Am I really that undesirable or ugly?

I am already close to a breaking point. Tomorrow, he's having dinner with that girl and her family and I can't even come along? What is this? And he's also reluctant to even ask her if I can just come along. Am I really such an embarrassement to him that he doesn't want to go out with me alone, hold my hands, and hug me? All of which he's so anxious to do with that girl - whether they had broken up or not is a small matter. Because afterall, even in the disguise of 'friends' they still act like a couple : calling up each other every single day, sms-ing each other almost everytime, writing love diaries to each other.

Is he being fair to me and is she being fair to her boyfriend? What is fairness? What is love? All of these are just illusions in life. I think I had just been enlightened.

I am close to my limits of breaking down. Just hopefully, he doesn't push me beyond that limit, that's all I am asking for. Because if he does, when he really returns to Malaysia for good, there goes our friendship, initiated by me. That's all that really matters to me - not love, but more of face and pride at this point of my life.

算了吧。。。！

2007-05-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

算了吧！很多东西就算了吧！我也不在无那么多了。突然之间觉得很累，很累。。。

在爱情的方面，我可说是很失败。最近，他又在和我说一大堆的废话。还是算了吧！我也不想去想那么的多。反正他在八月时都要回去新马了，在也不回来了。就是在我生日的前一天回。他根本都不理情，为设么还要装出一面很在无我呢？他说不要伤害到我，但是他所在做的事情伤了我了。这次的伤害还是比他所在我十八那年伤得还要深。他所作所为我看得出，他只是要玩玩而已，作出一个戏出来。我被他偏了两个月了，应觉得很疲累，很倔望了。

突然间的我，觉得很累。真的很累。这就好象印对生活没有希望了。我只想睡。。睡了永远就不要形了。那也许是最好的方法了。

就这样算了吧！

Regrets..

2007-04-18T03:03:00.000-07:00

I am not one for regrets, nor do I look back in time and ask myself - What if? Rather, I am someone who just does things based on inituition and just bear the consequences of my actions - alone, without any course of regrets as I know that I had done what I wanted to do.

BUT, this time round, I am filled with regrets over what I had done and I find it really hard to bear the consequences of my actions this time round. It's not that I never learnt from this incident, but rather, I refused to think about what I had done. My mum keeps telling me not to be so wilful anymore, but rather learn from this incident. But, she does not understand that if I have to think about it more than I need to, I am afraid that I will not be able to handle the emotions and tramau that comes with it. So, I choose to escape. Escape into oblivion where it had never happened.

I am not afraid to let people know what had happened. To me, it's nothing shameful. It's part of my past. And through this incident, I know for sure who is really there for me and who is not. So, judge me people, I am telling you guys - I don't fucking care!

Yes, I had just been through an abortion. But so what? The so called friends who abandoned me when I really need people by my side to help me get through this, the 'friends' who just know how to reproach me but when asked for help, they siam. I have seen through all your hypocrisy and strangely enough, I find that I no longer care that much about friendship anymore.

I just feel really regretful about the abortion. It's akin to killing an innocent life. Why if it's just a lump of meat? Let's just put it this way - I am about 4 months along, and the feotus has hands, feet, backtocks, head, a spine and a brain. So isn't it already alive, aware of pain, fear, happiness and sadness? Nothing will convince me otherwise.

I really did not realise that I was pregnant. Sure, I did missed my period for 3 months, but there wasn't any symptoms at all, nor was my stomach growing in size. Rather, I was losing weight and my stomach was growing flatter and flatter. So, it came to me as a total surprise when I found out that I was pregnant.

Anyway, the abortion process and the recovery period after is enough to put me off sex for a very long time. I had never been in so much physical pain, nor emotionally confused before in my entire 20 years of living. I can still remember that cramping pain that I had when the anesthesia wore off and I woke up. I ended up curling myself in a feotus position and just grabbed my stomach and cry. The pain was worse than any motorbike accident that I had ever been through. And it's not something that I would want to experience ever again.

Besides that, I was also disappointed that the bastard who came to the clinic as he was supposedly worried about me took off as soon as I entered the surgery room. Thanks, I finally seen through your disguise. You are nothing more than a wolf in sheep's clothing. You are more worried about us cheating your money than being worried about me. Thanks a lot. Over here, I ought to apologise to my auntie for arguing with her when she was trying to get that bastard to pay the full cost of the surgery.

I alone stumbled down the stairs, still in a semi-unconscious state, trying to find my cousin. And I somehow or rather managed to pull myself to the coffeeshop where they were seated and promptly fell into the seat and slump my head onto the table. It was the weakest moment of my life.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I was very touched by the actions of one person, someone who was totally unrelated to me, but still stood by me and gave me the moral support ever since I found out the sad news. He is none other than Chun Ming - my tenant as well as my ex-bf of over 3 years ago. When I had no one to turn to, and when I need someone to talk to, he is there to listen to me at the expanse of his own sleep. And for that, I am very grateful.

I am just sad because I had lost my opportunity with him. My feelings for him ever since I was 18 till now had never once faded. But, we parted on very neutral terms that time. Last year when I was 20, he chased me back, but was rejected by me as I wasn't that confident that he was over his first gf and I wanted to stick to my so called principles of never returning to an ex. It was never because I did not have any feelings for him.

I did. Although he was my 2nd bf, he can be considered my 1st love, and because of that betrayal that first time, I was just not brave enough to give him that 2nd chance last year. And right now, when I am ready to try again, he does not want to. He is willing to accept that I was pregnant, that I had underwent an abortion, but he just does not want to hurt me again. I know that he will leaving for Perak in about a month or two and it will be a permanent move. CM said that we can pick up the relationship once again if I want to move to Perak together with him permanently, otherwise he does not want to hurt me again when he leave me behind when he went back to Perak.

I am not really that sure that is the actual reason for the rejection, or is it because of my previous abortion? I don't know. All I can say is that I had given up a wonderful guy in pursuit of a bastard guy and got myself into all these troubles. I had given myself more trouble than it is worth. It was just all my choices and my fault and no one else.

A lost opportunity.. Tears of regret.. Got to let go..
Thank you ~ Chun Ming

How the HELL!?

2007-03-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

How the hell did they get into my 2nd blog when it's listed as private blog - meaning that it will not appear as a link anywhere on blogger?

How the hell did they know the blog's address when I had given it to no one?

How the hell do they know, unless they hacked into my account?

I DEMAND an explaination from blogger.com!

Call It..

2007-03-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

whatever you want. Call me bitter. Call me loser. Whatever! I don't really care. Just fuck it! Enough stress with school and work, without any need for additional ones.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Tired..

2007-01-25T01:09:00.000-08:00

Tiredness breeds hostility..

And ain't that just so damn true? I am so tired, that I am on the brink of a burnt-out. Exams, project deadlines, work responsibility, personal life all demands too much of my time. I feel so sleepy, yet I can't fall asleep. What the hell! And I got to go to work in like about 4 hours time. God! Please help me!!

Operating on without a wink of sleep for 36 hours is sure no fun, but I just can't fall asleep! Too much nicotine? Too much stress? I don't know. I am sure looking forward to taking a whole week of off next month, but I got to just hang on for another 10 more days. Afterall, I need the cash. And THAT sure explains everything, huh? Lol.

So cranky, so hostile, so moody today.. But, let me just warn you guys, I can't help it. I am on a short circuit today, and I for one sure don't know why. So please forgive me if I offend anyone today..

Another 10 more hours of no sleep adding on to my record time of 36 hours. My brain sure feels like mashmallow today. All air and holes, and no substance..

Good or Bad?? Hard to Say??

2007-01-16T08:55:00.000-08:00

Good or Bad? Hard to say?

Once upon a time, there was a king. The king liked one of his followers very much because he was very wise and always gave very useful advice. Therefore the king took him along wherever he went. One day, the king was bitten by a dog, the finger was injured and the wound was getting worse. He asked the follower if that was a bad sign. The follower said, Good or bad, hard to say'.

In the end, the finger of the king was too bad that had to be amputated. The king asked the follower again if that was a bad sign. Again, the follower gave the same answer, 'Good or bad, hard to say'. The king became very angry and sent the follower to prison. One day, the king went hunting in the jungle. He got excited when he was on the chase of a deer. Deeper and deeper he went inside the jungle. In the end he found himself lost in the jungle. To make thing worse, he got captured by the native people lived inside the jungle. They wanted to sacrifice him to their god. But when they noticed that the king had one finger short, they released him immediately as he was not a perfect man anymore and not suitable for sacrifice.

The king managed to get back to his palace after all. And he finally understood the follower's wise quote, 'Good or bad, hard to say'. If he hadn't lost one finger, he could have been killed by the native people. He ordered to release the follower, and apologized to him.But to the king amaze, the follower was not mad at him at all. Instead, the follower said, 'It wasn't a bad thing that you locked me up.' Why? Because if the king hadn't locked the follower up, he would have brought the follower along to the jungle. If the native found that the king was not suitable, they would have used the follower. Again, the quote 'Good or bad, hard to say' stands.

The moral of the story: Everything that happens in this world, there is no absolute good or bad. Sometimes good things turned out to be bad things eventually, while bad things become a gain. Whatever good things that happen to you, enjoy it, but don't have to hold too tight to it, treat it as a surprise in your life.Whatever bad things that happen to you, don't have to feel too sad or despair, in the end, it might not be a total bad thing after all. If one can understand this, he or she will find life much easier.

My First Post.. Yeah Yeah!!

2007-01-16T08:52:00.000-08:00

Oh well, my previous blog - angel-tears86.blogspot.com was hacked into, and I just can't seem to access into it. What the heck! But, nevermind, whatever it is, it's a new year and so.. a new person.. a new life.. and a totally new blog! Hehe.. Happy New Year to all of you, my friends. Thanks for being a part of my life.

I LOVE ALL OF YOU GUYS & GERS!!! =)

~*{Angel-Tears86}*~